Sunday, November 7, 2010

LETTERS TO OOM SCHALK. "Thank you Dear Lord for Jukskei"

Dear Oom Schalk,
I trust sincerely that this letter finds you, flourishing in the Marico! I am delighted to report that there is water in the Colony sufficient for the crops, the cattle and the brandy... on the stoep at sunset. Life is in fine fettle at Upper Lower Gungululu, proceeding at a sedate, peaceful pace and I am finding great joy in using this electric letter writing machine. It certainly allows one to collect and correct one's thoughts without having to "rub out" the mistakes or worse, finding yourself re-writing entire pages due to that human frailty called drivel!
The newspapers are full of this Malema fellow, it seems all and sundry are describing him as a twit, in fact today's Sunday Times bestowed on him their Mampara of the Week award.
Oom Schalk may or may not know, due to the pace of thing's in the Marico, that these new Cell Telephones allow one to post Twitters which are like verbal postcards and which do not require a stamp. (marvellous to see how the Post Office has improved since our day). It seems that many thousands of our citizens have taken to posting Twitters which are less than flattering about this youngster who is leader of  the ANC Youth League.
It seems that he is now threatening to "approach the relevant authorities.... and call for closer (sic) of Twitter". The word - closer - sprung out of the page and made me realise that perhaps this new fangled technology is in fact no more than old mutton dressed up as lamb and, in fact, this whole Twitter business is nothing more than the old Party Line System that acted as our telecommunication in the old day's on the farms,
One could not get "closer" than on the Party Line - everybody in the district could eavesdrop on your telephone calls and if you said the wrong thing about somebody or something one was often interupted by the offended party mid-conversation, - in fact I remember a phone conversation you and I had about Sannie Pretorius and the broadness of her breasts - the stream of invective she delivered down that phoneline was a Master Class in Impromptu Foul Language Creation! (to this day she refuses my apology... even though I eventually married her)
I digress however, the main thrust of the report in the Times was based around a Tweet (the singular of twitter I believe) from a man with a very strange name - @alastairotter (Polish, I think..), who stated: "The only struggle Julius Malema was part of was the struggle to log onto Twitter".
It was at that point that a stark truth confronted me! I realised that Julius and I had things in common.... sadly I too have no idea how to log onto Twitter!
The sad truth is that I am still very much a novice even on this electric letter writing machine, I am even puzzled as to why they call it a Laptop - with my "boep" I can't see the keys if I put it on my lap, in fact, were it not for my kids having designated specific starting points under the heading,Favourites, on the left of the TV screen, I would not have been able to start this letter.
So there you have it Oom Schalk, Julius and I coupled on the tote, as they say in horse racing. "n Skande" as we say in Afrikaans - I can only thank Our Lord for jukskei - Julius will never master that as I have!

Please pass my greetings to all in the Marico.
Die Uwe,
Spyker Koekemoer
November 7 2010

Dear Readers - Please feel free to comment!

4 comments:

  1. Groete ou Spyks, Can you believe it? No! you say before I can explain. Well I have been able to reach this stage where I am placing a comment - this word reminds me of PIK and a time of min communications - in relation to your letter to Oom SHALK. Were you perhaps writing to a Rugby Team or to a Band - SHALK RATILL & RAWL. No! I say not only are you learning to use advanced electronic devices but you are also learning to spell. There is nothing quite like a dop of Marico Mampoer to make you relax before using FRED ( F...ing Ridiculous Electronic Device). Do so and all will be right.

    Totsiens ou swaar

    Diktak Taljaard

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  2. Groete en Dankie ou Diktak,
    Ja Nee.... SCHALK sonder 'n C is soos SHARKS sonder 'n Currie Beker...
    Nogmaals dankie!
    Spyker

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  3. A very big Marico thank you to Graham Linscott aka Frothy, a fine judge of beer,creme de menthe and dancing girls in the Duikers Rugby Club on a rugby day.
    He wrote some very kind words about this Letter to Oom Schalk, in his column - The Idler in the Mercury - 10.11.2010. A fine journalist and Blogger Bogger - catch his blog at http://graham-linscott.blogspot.com/ Go to 10.11 and read his piece - Has the party line returned. Spyker K

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  4. Greetings Spyker, What is this I hear that you are travelling to India when right here in our coastal province of Kwa Zulu Natal there exists the largest Indian population outside of India. What else is interesting is that they are celebrating 150 years of living here. I am sure that there will be many many Bunny Chows eaten over the next months. This makes me think that perhaps you will investigate the availability of Bunny Chows in India. If they do not know about the Bunny Chow, It might be time to introduce them to this delicacy enjoyed by the Cognoscenti or should I say the Curryscenti with the more discerning palate

    Travel safe and make sure you pass on my bestest to Linda

    Diktak Taljaard

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