Monday, December 10, 2012

Of Pirates Politics and Shower Head Tales
 Dear Oom Schalk,

There is now more than a passing belief that we taxpayers and voters, can finally look forward to a vibrant political summer in South Africa. The truths that we have long felt were hidden from us, are finally finding release, from their incarceration within the cold heart of political apathy.

This was due to the persuasive insistence of the public voice of a South African Spring. A voice that reminded our corrupted Government of Winter that it requires only the weight of one final snowflake to topple the mightiest Oak. (South Africans should read the last word as Oke)

 '... and so it came to pass Oom Schalk –  that just days before it's Electoral Conference in Manguang, the ANC lost the by- election in their Presidents home town of Nkandla - an event that heralded the Inkatha Freedom Party's return to power in that Town Council!!

Political pawns reviewed their positions and security. Kingmakers checked their erstwhile mates and slates, as ‘en passant’ became the move of choice on the chess board of politics. Cries of “Viva Mangosuthu"- echoed through the corridors of power...!  

The SABC were hoisted on their own petard! They could not report that the IFP victory would ‘compound’ the problematic issues facing the President in his bid for a second term. The had themselves banned the word 'compound' from their vocabluary - but they sure as hell know, deep down, that if you can't win a by-election, in your own home town, after spending R238,000,000 keeping the neighbourhood happy – "Man... you are deep in the ... guang!”

Upon hearing this news – Anant Singh, fresh from writing his Estate Agents Board Exams, announced a new movie, to be shot at Anant Command Studios opposite the Pirate Lifesaving Club. "The Big 'Z' will star in the leading role", he said as he outlined the detail on Radio Lotus!
Picture the scene Oom Schalk! - The Movie Set will be an exact replica of the Nkandla Estate - (After shooting the movie the idea is to convert the Set into an Afro-Disney Theme Park and sell it back to the eThekwini Municipality, who, rumour has it, have already taken an option and lodged a deposit.) 
...The Big 'Z' walks from the underground bunker onto his new veranda overlooking the security vehicles that surround the Compound... That old Top Gun, Mangosuthu B, is lying, right, left and centre stage, on a recliner, taking in the views of the Helipad as he celebrates the upward spiral of IFP resurgence... as that scene fades... up comes the title of the movie... ‘There is another Zulu on my Stoep!!’...
Leon Schuster, chewing some biltong, immediately launches a paternity suit and threatens to release details of his DNA to prove that he is, was and will always be the only Zulu on his Stoep!
Julius Malema, in an attempt to raise bail and needing a new cause for his beret, lodges a land claim on the Stoep... in the hope of finally getting ahead... that fits his beret!
The Land Claims Court Commissioners immediately apply for voluntary  liquidation - they have failed in the past trying to bury Julius and are not allowed to praise him!
Spyker Koekemoer then gives a twittered remix of an old Sinatra number the  end of which will herald Interval, complete with curried popcorn and  Cooee mindrals...

To the tune of Chicago – Chicago: Made famous by the late Frank Sinatra. Written brilliantly by John Baldwin Gourley: With Alternative, Irreverent lyrics by Spyker Koekemoer and the Spray and Cook Political Band we present -  
Nkandla Zumakandla
In Nkandla, Zumakandla, I built a compound.
Where that thriller called GodZille tried to push me around – She blew it...
She bet her bottom dollar she could shuffle her shoes in my
compound ,in Nkandla.
but my good people simply shut her down.

In Nkandla, we borrow the taxes, while the poor people drown.
to build things you can’t bond in any normal town.  
We  then phone a few friends who got money to lend
We say - deposit my bru – there is a tender to bend.
In Nkandla, that my horse-one horse town...

Then Nkandla, Nkandla, held a by-election.
and as the ANC, I thought we’d be, the only game in town – We blew it... 
I bet my Johnny Blue that the ‘Zoom’ wouldn’t lose Nkandla,
But the IFP they turned me upside down

Now the Main street they call it Straight Street, ‘cos the Govt won’t pay...
And if Manguang leaves me in the dwang in any other way.
I won’t be having the time, the time of my life.
‘cos’I’ll be having to dance with all five of my wives.
In Nkandla, Nkandla - A National Keypoint, IFP run Town.

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